I have a theory about the attraction of the “bad boy”. Well, I have a lot of theories but this is the one I have been thinking about.
Bad boys: apparently they are what most girls want. Is that true? Who knows. Not the point. The point is why they might be an attractive option.
When you date someone you know is probably going to hurt you it changes things. Sure, he might be charming and exciting but there is a part of you that assumes it won’t last. Eventually he will hurt you, cheat, or disappoint in some way. But you expect this. If/when it happens you are at least a bit prepared. You didn’t see it lasting forever anyway.
Now, with “good guys” it is different. You let yourself trust them, you feel safe and secure. He would never do anything to hurt you because he is so kind and caring. So when it happens, when he lets you down, it crushes you. It was like you were walking along in the country side and all of a sudden a 747 runs you over. Didn’t see that one coming! It hurts so much more because you weren’t prepared, you never saw it coming.
All of a sudden the “bad boy” doesn’t seem like such a bad choice. At least for a little while.
I have never understood how some people absolutely hate Valentine’s Day. I understand indifference but hate seems extreme. Every year there are always those people who complain and rant about how Valentine’s Day is so pointless, how depressing it all is or how it is just a commercial holiday. One of the most common excuses I usually hear (mostly from men) is, ‘why should I show affection on a given day, isn’t it better to show it all the time?’ Why yes, that would be lovely but how many people do that? The nice thing about Valentine’s Day is it gives you an excuse to do nice things for the people you care about. Tell them you love them, send a little card, give some yummy treats. In my opinion, the problem with Valentine’s Day is people thinking that they have to spend tons of money. Personally I think it is more about being thoughtful. If you want to spend a bunch of money on something thoughtful please don’t let me stop you but if you are spending money just because you think you have to it is kind of pointless. Valentine’s Day, to me, is about doing little things to make other people happy and let them know you care. Plus all the chocolate isn’t exactly terrible! If you don’t have a significant other to spend Valentine’s Day with that shouldn’t stop you. Send a card or note to your friend or your sister. Hang out with friends. It is a day to spend with people you care about, it doesn’t always have to be romantic. Just spread some love, that’s what it is all about!
Stop the hate, spread the love…
This is a great little comic I came across by The Oatmeal, warning: may be inappropriate for some viewers, for everyone else it is pretty good! http://theoatmeal.com/blog/valentines_day
When is it, if ever, acceptable to give someone relationship advice? One would think that people share their problems because they want others opinions but then again maybe they just want to vent and get things off their chest. So how do you know if you should chime in?
Right off the bat I would like to point out that I am not a ‘sharer’. I don’t like to talk about my feelings. I don’t know how to respond when someone is crying. I am not a good person to come to if you want a shoulder to cry on. If you want someone to listen to you and analyze the situation then I’m your girl. I have always been interested in how people behave and what it is that drive them to do the things they do. I used to love taking psychology courses, I found them fascinating. Human beings are so complex yet we are able to understand, much of the time, why it is that people behave the way they do.
Back to relationship advice. If it is a close friend talking to me, I’ll listen and then ask “do you want my honest opinion?”. The grey area is someone you don’t know all that well talking to you. You don’t know if they are telling you just to tell somebody or if they want advice or answers. Recently, an acquaintance was telling me about her problems with a guy she was dating. It seemed obvious to me that he was trying to find a way out and trying to do it gently but I didn’t know if it was my place to say anything. So I just listened. Maybe I should look into becoming a ‘Dear Abby’ type of person. I am uncomfortable with emotions but have been told that I give good advice. Maybe a write in advice column is something I should look into. At least when people write in you know that they want your advice and opinion. It takes the awkwardness out of the situation. If they don’t like the answer they should never have written in. Yes, I like this idea.
What do you think? Do you share aspects of your relationship just to share or do you usually want the person’s opinion? I’m curious if I should pipe in or not.
This is kind of a serious situation. There is a theory out there that in order to ‘get women’ a guy has to be rude to her. I have a lot of issues with this. It is never okay to be rude to someone you just met especially in order to attract. I will admit that being a jerk to some women does make them interested in somehow pleasing you but that is because they have issues with their self-worth and you should not be taking advantage of that. If you have to act badly and insult a woman for her to be interested in you you should probably take a good long look at yourself and figure out why you think that is an acceptable way to act; chances are you have some issues of your own you need to sort out.
I think there is a nugget of truth in this insanity that has been grossly distorted. Women like confidence. A lot of people see being a jerk as confidence but it is just a show. In reality, being confident has nothing to do with poor manners towards other people. I posted a link below to a podcast about a book this women wrote about (what she misguidingly thinks) women want. The interviewer has a hard time a) taking her seriously and b) not getting upset at what she suggests and honestly I don’t blame him. A lot of her advice is completely misguided and much of it is extremely superficial. This may work on her but I very much doubt it works on many other women; unless they too have issues about being controlled and enjoy being treated like they are helpless and brainless. She endorses the man ordering for her at a restaurant (every time, even on a first date), reading her emails, to ensure she isn’t being scammed (because a poor little woman couldn’t possibly figure out that that email asking her to send a stranger money is a scam) and ‘treating her like a dog’ (yes, she actually compared women to dogs). If that all wasn’t bad enough, at the end of the interview she essentially promotes rape culture. She states that if a women agrees to come to your apartment, after the third date, and accepts a beverage she is giving you the go ahead to have sex with her. I think that this kind of thinking can get a lot of people in trouble. Maybe, I know it’s hard to believe, the woman is enjoying herself and simply wants to spend more time with the man; have a conversation, watch a movie, get to know each other better. Just because she is in your apartment or you are in hers does not mean that is an invitation for anything more. I am not saying she is not wanting to take things further, I am merely saying one should never assume that that is the case.
The interviewer asks what the author’s background is; brace yourself to be unimpressed. She has attended seminars and she is a women. That’s basically it. She also is probably not the best person to be giving relationship advice since apparently she is recently divorced and from the sounds of it it was not amicable.
I think the best advice anyone can give is probably the oldest and corniest: be yourself. I know, it sounds too simple to be true, but it is. If you are changing yourself to attract someone and putting on an act you are not going to have a real relationship. If you want someone to love you for yourself you have to be yourself. I mean to an extent. Everyone hides a bit of their craziness or weird quirks at the beginning (don’t want to scare them away before they can see how awesome you are). But the person for you is the one that will, if not love, accept your crazy.
Moral of the story: Be yourself, find someone to love your crazy and don’t listen to the idiotic advice this woman gives!
BTW I tried to find her book and thankfully I couldn’t so maybe there is still hope!
PS listen to this podcast, I dare you to do it without getting upset at the author. What women want (according to one, likely disturbed, woman)